I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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