We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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