it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
