Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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