if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
