He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
