My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
