it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
