I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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