I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
