How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
