she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There's always time for handjobs
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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