Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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