your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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