so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize