im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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