The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
