shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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