i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The best revenge is premature balding
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize