i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
