I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
