i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Is Oprah even human
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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