The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
