Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
