Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
