I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
