I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
