I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
