I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
