also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
