If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
