I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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