you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
