We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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