she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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