i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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