Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
