I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
