she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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