its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
