dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize