just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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