I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
