I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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