nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
