i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
