weddingsv make me drug and hornr
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
