the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize