i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
