So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
