The best revenge is premature balding
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
