awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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