I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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