Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
