Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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