I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
