this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
