He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
