did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
