Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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