I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
